The Year I Reeeallly Want To Call It Quits

This homeshooling thing is not easy.  

It is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done.  

I was married at 18, mom to 2 by 21.  I have raised children and served my husband for half my life.  I know how to make $100 last longer than humanly possible.  I know how to do without. I can teach a Sunday school class like it's nobody's business, and when it comes to whipping up supper when all you have is frozen chicken and a drop of milk, I am the queen.  I have sold real estate with a baby on my hip, and planned Disney vacations down to the minute.

But yall, nothing could have prepared me for what this homeschooling gig would require of me.  

I have never felt so poured out in all my life, yet at the same exact time I feel so useless.  And just like Simcha says, It isn't really the pouring out that bothers me.  It is more the guilt and worry I have over how pitiful of a job I am doing that gets me when I lay my head down at night.  

I struggle with not starting by 8am which of course is what good homeschoolers do.  I struggle with the amount of learning that these 2 are doing and are capable of.  Am I doing enough, teaching enough, inspiring enough?  I struggle with the commitment level that comes in the teenager package.  We have theater, piano, co-op, etc...  I struggle with the co-op commitment I have made to my 5 best friends in the whole wide world, "Teach your children writing and world history, oh sure no problem." 

But, if we are being real here, all of those things are secondary.  The cold hard truth is this....

I want to be drinking coffee at the local cafe.

I want to watch 8 hours of Little House on the Prairie, uninterrupted, and pretend I am Ma. (She never complains...heifer.)

I want to have my supper cooked by 9:00 am and then head to town to rummage through the sales racks at Marshall's because I have nothing else to do.

I want to have warm cookies on the table when my girls come in from school and hear all about the happenings.

I want to garden all day.

I want to put somebody down for a nap....ANYBODY!!!!

The cold hard truth is that it is ALL.ABOUT.ME!!!!

But hasn't it always been this way?  Since the fall hasn't it always been about us?  Remember the Israelites in the wilderness?  I always say that I was born in the wrong generation and really should have been a pioneer (like Ma....I am such a poser), but the truth of the matter is I should have been an Israelite.  No sooner than God himself delivered them from slavery and torture, they would like to know how much longer they had to walk, and hey what about some food, and we are thirsty, and no, we don't like manna THAT IS MIRACULOUSLY FALLING FROM THE SKY we would rather have some meat.  The Lord God had just parted the Red Sea AND THEY WALKED THROUGH IT to safety from the Egyptians who were torturing them, yet they were complaining!!

And if I am being honest today that is exactly where I am at.   That is exactly what I am doing.  The Lord God parts the Red Sea in my life for me to walk through to safety DAILY, yet I forget as quickly as those Israelites did.

I am tired of this mundane life of raising children.  I want more.  I want to please myself.  I want to do what I want to do.  

And that, my friends, is what keeps me going down this road.  I need to be broken, daily.  I need the Lord to remind me of why I do what I do.  And homeschooling these folks He has left in my care is about the fastest way to be broken that I know of.

Homeschooling is turbo speed down sanctification highway.

There is no other occupation, no other life's work, that will break you and keep you on your knees like homeschooling will.

And yes, I fail....alot of days.  No, we aren't in college yet, and no we don't really study Latin.  But day after day after day after day, I am laying my life down for these girls....just like Christ laid down His life for me.  I am praying that somehow they will see Christ in me.  Because isn't that really what our job here is?  Isn't our purpose really to lead our children to Christ, to guide them in His way and teach them?  Isn't it really to raise them up in the way that they should go, so that when they are old they will not depart from it?   I think it is.  And that is why I don't give up.  

I don't give up.  Even though it is February and the sun hasn't shown its gorgeous face in months, we haven't been outside in days, everyone is ready for something new, and all we want is summer.  I don't give up.  I don't call it quits.  {But I do start researching curriculums...its February for crying out loud.}

Lord, please let this work I am doing here on this Earth please you somehow.  Let it in some way be a tool that draws these precious girls to you.  Lord, I pray that you will break me and use me for your purposes here in this house day after day.  I am imperfect and I am ungrateful.  I am resentful and I am  lazy, but Lord you are MORE.  Please use me for your purposes and remind me of why I am here and how important this work is.  I want to do your work Lord.  Amen.

2014: LISTEN

Happy 2014 Everyone!!  I have not been nearly as diligent in blogging as I have wanted to be this year.  And even several times I have thought about saying goodbye.  But somehow this space just feels like home to me, and I am not ready to let it go.  I just have so much to tell you!!!!!  Here is the first thing...

I couldn't wait to share my WORD for 2014 with you.  Im sure you have seen all the hype of the Word of The Year.  If not, you can visit here for all the details.  This will be my 5th year participating, and I can tell you it is life changing folks!!  Here are my previous years' words:

Intentional

Gratitude

Growth

Grace

Each year I have been completely transformed by these words, so I have to keep it up.  It is amazing to me to look back and see all the Lord has done in my life through this one tradition.  So here is my word for 2014...

This year I want to LISTEN yall.  

I want to really LISTEN.  

I don't want to just hear.  No, I want to hear and LISTEN.

Listen first to God and the Holy Spirit living inside of me.    But how if I'm doing all the talking?  Jesus tells us in John 10:27 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me."   Have mercy.   I think alot of times I do HEAR Him, but I don't LISTEN to Him.  There is a difference.  I hear Him, but I have already committed to what He is urging me not to do, or I really want to do something else, or I am lazy, or I am selfish, or I am angry, or I am scared.  Oh, I hear Him allright.  I just don't listen.  This year I want to LISTEN to Him.  I want Him to say, "Kellye hears my voice, and she knows Me, and I know her and she follows Me."

credit

Secondly, I want to listen to my husband.  I have such a hard time with this one because 2 of my biggest faults is that I am a control freak, and I may or may not always sometimes think I am always right.  Terrible, I know.  And the worst part is that the truth is I have control over NOTHING (why can't I just understand that?) and my husband is usually the one I end up admitting my wrong-ness to.  He is not perfect, but his perspective and his filters are more clear and heavenward than mine are.  He does alot of listening (when nobody else is).  He has a big picture mindset, while I tend to be stuck right where I am.  On google maps he is the bird's eye view guy, and me, well,  I am all about the street view!  But how about when you are on street view you CANT SEE ANYTHING!!!!  Wow!!  That is powerful when you think about it!!  I want to listen to this man.  Seek his guidance.  He is a wise man that the Lord has ordained over our family.   He always tells me, "You're mouth is doing this (insert the pac man hand of a talking mouth), when you need to be doing this (insert pac man hand CLOSED)."  I told you he is a wise fella!!  And he is a cutie to boot!!  Goodness I love him more than words!!!!

Thirdly, I want to listen to my children.  My girls are getting older, which means that the idea that I am just going to tell them what to do, and they will respond like robots is just fading fast.  As it should.  I want them to think for themselves.  And instead of being a tyrant, I want to be a shepherd.  I want them to know that I understand, that I am listening, that they can trust me, and that I hear them.  Because we homeschool, we are together all. the. time.  This is a tremendous blessing, but a huge responsibility.  The responsibility falls on me to capture these days, and make them mean something.   The day is coming, sooner than I would like to think, that all I will have is memories of these days.  I want to make sure I am taking every single opportunity to point them to Christ, find teachable moments, and make memories with these girls who are so precious to me.  Once a friend told me of a lady whom she adored who once told her that children are the only earthly possessions you can take with you to heaven.  Wow!!!  Did you hear that?  Let me repeat it again, in case you are just skimming.

 Children are your only earthly possessions 

you can take with you to heaven.

I want you to hear that, but not just hear it, to listen to it.  Seriously.  Our children are the only earthly possessions we can take with us to heaven.  That is something worth listening to!!!!  I mean write that down and tape it to your mirror for crying out loud!

Lord, please give me the wisdom to listen to these girls, meet them where they are, and point them to you!!  They are my only earthly possessions I can take with me to heaven.

In all this listening, I think I am going to be a very busy girl.  

In order to keep my focus, here are some things that I won't be listening to this year.

• that smarmy voice inside my head that tells me I am not enough.

• others who offer advice that goes against what I know to be true.

• homeschool families that convince me (unknowingly) that I need to do exactly what they are doing.

• the scale.  Like ever!!  Not even one time this year.

• My heart.  It is such a wild and impressionable thing.  I don't want it to influence my decisions.  I have to keep that thing in check!

I hope your 2014 is full of blessings BIG and SMALL.  Sometimes our biggest blessings are the smallest things in our lives.  Count them.  Count them all.  And listen with me as we journey together to figure out this walk we are on and where the road is taking us!!!

Love you all,

Kellye