Show and Tell Friday

Its "Show and Tell Friday". I want to know how you are doing with our secrets. Each Friday, we will reflect on how each new secret fits into our lives and what we have learned about our parenting through the week's study. It is a time of reflection, but also a time for encouragement, strengthening, and holding each other accountable. If a REAL relationship with your children is something that you desire, please consider joining us on Fridays to tell how you are doing on your journey.

So here are some questions that Dr. Borba asks for this week:

1. Did you identify with our story of the young boy who felt unloved and misunderstood that we read about on Monday?
2. If so what are your plans to change that part of your parenting and how do you plan to strengthen the communication with your children?
3. What will you be doing this coming week and the rest of your life to show your children that you love them with no strings attached?? Remember those 5 steps to boosting sensitivity? Which ones fit into your lifestyle?

Here is what struck me and really hit home with me from this chapter...

As I read that story of the boy who felt completely unloved by his mother, I absolutely felt as though I could not relate. I mean, we have dinner together every night, we talk about our day with our kids, we tell each other "I Love You" a gazillion times a day. Surely, my kids know I love them. Boy what was that mom in that story doing something really wrong!!

Then I got to the self-check part and that is when it all came crumbling down. Ya know, I think this is a prime example of how things go so bad for moms. We don't realize anything is wrong. Once I began to read through and ask myself those questions I began to realize that I am stressing my 8 year old out. And there is a good chance that she may not realize how much I love her, but just doesn't know how to tell me. Well, except for this one little problem...she does tell me and I don't hear her!! She asked me a few weeks ago if I loved my 6 year old more than her. I was shocked. I told her absolutely not and then she went into hysteria, rattling off her little list of everything Ive ever done to prove otherwise. "Well, when she gets hurt you do this, when I get hurt you do that. You always hold her and just ask me to go get things for you. I want to be held too. Just because I'm not little anymore doesn't mean I don't want you to hold me." WOW, what a reality check. Then to go through these questions and see that maybe I'm not doing all that I can gave me the reality that she could very well be crying out and I don't hear her.

One question though, really hit home to me. Dr. Borba asked, "Has your kid or anyone else ever wondered out loud if you're being sensitive to who your kid really is?" I immediately wrote down that nobody has ever questioned my sensitivity, but then as I sat there realized that yes they have. No, nobody has ever asked me if I love my kids, but I have been questioned by my mom, my husband, and even my kids. Plenty of times, my mom has told me I'm too busy or that I wait until the last minute to do things and that is not how a mother behaves (my mom's words not mine). Waiting until the last minute makes my 8 year old a nervous wreck and I have been completely in-sensitive to that need of hers. To elaborate for you a little bit... My 8 year old has trouble making decisions. She has a book report due in 3 weeks and had to have her book chosen by today. All week, she has been saying that she needed to pick a book. Well, I wanted her to choose "Little House on the Prairie" because she just finished reading it and I just envisioned her in her little Laura Ingalls outfit. She was emberassed though to dress that way, and instead of understanding her concern I just didnt bring it back up. Well, last night she broke down because she was the only kid in her class to have not chosen her book. She was devastated and cried and cried. I couldn't believe it because all along I just thought she was okay with Little House on the Prairie. Why I thought that I don't know. But since reading this chapter of the book, I immediately picked up on the fact that she thought I wasn't hearing her or BEING SENSITIVE to her needs. And the fact that it was 7:30 the night before the final day had her in a complete frenzy. That is not fair to her and the fact that as much as I love her I couldn't see that, really scares me!!

Completely out of character for me, I told her to put her shoes on (with her pajamas) and just the two of us were going to the library to pick her a book. Yall, you cannot put a price on the look on that beautiful little girl's face. She said, "Just us, momma? What about sissy? What is she going to do?" When I told her she was staying behind, I thought my 8 year old was going to do a dance right there in the living room. Her and I, just stopped what we were doing, forgot about bedtime, got in the car in our pajamas and went to the library. And we had the best time. We bonded more in that 30 minutes in the library than we have all year. It was wonderful. She chose her book and she could not be happier. She will be reporting on Samantha the American Girl and she looks just like her so she is very excited about dressing up. She will also bring her Samantha doll as a visual and is on cloud nine about that.

The point of my story is that the usual Kellye, would've just told her that it was too late and she just needed to do Little House on the Prairie. That would've left her feeling defeated and with a huge lack of confidence, but she would have just said 'yes maam' and never brought it up again. It felt so good to guide her and let her make the right choice for her and be sensitive to her needs.

I commit to the next 30 days to do something with just her, every day...even if its walk to the mailbox, because she needs that right now from me. We will talk for at least 5 minutes, just her and I, and I will hold her as many times a day as she wants to be held. This chapter really opened my eyes and set me free all at the same time!

So my question for you is, "What really struck you in this chapter?"

Post your comments and tell us all how you have done this week, the good the bad and the ugly!

A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth Part 3

Wow!! What a soul searching lesson yesterday!

So now we all know what areas of unconditional love we are weak, so how do we fix that?? Well, I'm so glad you asked. Today, I'm going to give you 5 steps to boosting your sensitivity and we will meet back on Friday to share how we did!! Remember, that we are all in this together, but this is an individual journey. This is not a how-to parenting book, but instead a guideline to getting REAL as a mom, with lots of heart talk that all mothers truly need to make sure they hear. Get the journals ready, here we go!! 5 Steps To Boosting Your Sensitivity

Step One: Match Your Expectations To Your Child's True Self. To make sure that the expectation you set for your child are ones that stretch her potential without unintentionally zapping her self-worth, ask yourself this: "Are my expectations"...

1. Developmentally appropriate. "Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I'm requiring, or am I pushing him beyond the limits of his internal timetable?"
2. Realistic. "Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much?"
3. Child Oriented. "Is what I'm expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want for myself?"
4. Success Oriented. "Am I setting the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he is responsible, reliable, and worthy?"

Don't get so wrapped up in your hopes and dreams for your child's future that you lose sight of what matters most in the here and now. After all, what could be more important than your child's knowing that you love and cherish her for who she is - not for what you hope she will become?

Step Two: Tune In To What's Really Going on With Your Kid. Put down that cell phone. Don't worry about the dust. Be intentional. Take time every day - I'm not talking hours, just a few minutes - to take a good look at your child's life and how things are going.

Step Three: Check Your Kid's Vital Signs. First the face: Are his eyes sparkling or flat? Is he scowling or smiling? Next the body language: Is she relaxed or stiff? Slumped down or coiled up? Finally, the voice: Is it tense and edgy or warm and resonant? Are you hearing whines or laughter? Any sudden changes in behavior: Clinginess? Anger or temper tantrums? Avoidance of situations? Negativity? Loss or big increase in appetite? Too little or too much sleep? Remember, your child isn't going to come up to you and say anything outright...but there are many ways, if you're sensitive, that you can see it for yourself.

Step Four: Identify the Specific Misfit Between Expectations and Reality. Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the coach too demanding? Are you too critical of your kids' grades? Is that clique you've encouraged her to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend.

Step Five: Take Action to Remove the Mismatch Between Your Expectation and Reality. Find a better class. Take a break from soccer. Back off from stressing over grade point averages. Let your child choose her own friends. Remain vigilante and sensitive to your kid's needs. Never stop checking for stress and overload, identifying the potential causes and taking action to provide the remedy. (p. 72-73)

WOW!!! Just typing these steps, I can hear a little voice inside my head telling me what is not working in our family. When you read these, please be tuned in to your true self. That is such a huge problem for us I think. We really like a certain mom so we force our kids to invite over the child so we moms can visit, and what ends up happening is that we are compromising our children. Or, we really really really want our little baseball star to shine so we get on the most competitive team around and maybe the practices are just too much and if we would have chosen a less strenuous league our sons may not feel so drained. Listen to that little voice and do what is in her most natural mothering instinct to do.

Lets take the next two days to implement these steps into our daily lives and truly give 100% to being more sensitive to our kids' needs and to intentionally reading into everything they do. And, lets just see how we fare.

Remember, we will meet back here Friday for "Show and Tell" where we will share our struggles and our strengths to encourage each other and hold each other accountable as good buddies do. Our giveaway begins Friday so be sure to join us!!

Have a great week!

A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth...

Yesterday, we read the story of the boy who was a complete wreck and his parents could not even see it, and I just wonder this morning how many more children are in that same place. No, maybe they aren't in a creek bottom with a rifle to their chest, but how many feel what that boy felt. How many of our kids, that we think are spoiled and have it all, really feel unloved? It is crazy to think that, and I often look at my kids and think about how spoiled they are and how much they have, but are their any "red flags" in our lives that make us feel like even with all the STUFF there seems to be something missing??

I think at one time or another all of us have been guilty of looking at our children when they are whining or fussing and think, "With all that you have and all that I do for you, you can't even be happy for just a few minutes. Not even an hour goes by without yall fighting." I know I am guilty of that. Well, this morning and tomorrow, I would like for us to see just how well we are doing in the unconditional love department. Are our kids crying out? We will soon see. We are going to look at this secret and see how well we are doing with it in our own lives. Get your journals ready, gals! I encourage you to write your answers down so that you can reflect on them later.

Is This Real Mom's Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. How well do you really know your child?

• What are your child's real passions, the things he loves to do? What are his interests, his hobbies? What does he tune in to or seem fascinated about?
• What are her true talents? For instance, does she draw well? Does she have great rhythm, incredible grace, endurance, a kind heart? Does she think in numbers, have an amazing vocabulary?
• What are his academic abilities? For instance, does he remember things quickly, enjoy reading or listening, like to write, have a knack for numbers, have a long attention span?
• How does she handle social settings? Is she more of a watcher or a joiner? Does she lead or follow? Does she buckle to peer pressure or stand up to it? Does she prefer to be around lots of people, a few, or none at all? Does she make friends easily or need guidance? Is she more of an extrovert or an introvert?
• How well does he handle pressure or criticism? Do deadlines stimulate or paralyze him? Does he need reminders, or is he self-motivated? When he fails, does need encouragement, or does he pick himself right back up? Does criticism shrivel him or help him? Does he welcome competition or wither? Is he laid back or intense? Does he have positive or negative self-esteem?

2. Thinking now about the profile you've just created for your child, you need to ask yourself whether your hopes and dreams for her are based on who she really is on or on who you want her to be. Are your current expectations - the ones you've more recently crafted for your child's life - matching your kid so that they enhance his self-esteem? Are your dreams in line with your kid? What would need altering? Here are some things to consider: Would you say for the most part that your child is thriving or barely surviving? Loving the competitive pace or dreading it? Jumping out of bed each morning with an "I can't wait" attitude for practice or playgroup or violin, or using excuses to get out of it? Is she talking excitedly about gymnastics or that new chess club you've enrolled her in, or is she feigning headaches? Is your kid really capable of taking the accelerated class, doing the chore, participating in soccer or the playgroup? Are some of the tasks above his level of ability? Is he mature enough? Is this something he really wants to do, or is this your dream? Does he have the skills needed to succeed? Write a list of your concerns. Doing so will help you develop a plan to deal with them.

3. Has your kid or someone else ever wondered out loud if you're being sensitive to who your kid really is?

4. If you're sitting in a room and your child walks in unexpectedly, do your eyes light up with joy no matter what's the latest manship?

5. If there is one thing you could do to be more sensitive to your child and show your unconditional love, what would it be? Write it down in your journal. Then get ready to learn the secret and use it with your family. (p. 69-70)

So, now that we've written down all of our answers in our journals to see how sensitive we are to our children's needs and how well we are doing in the undconditonal love department, here is one more activity for you to think about. You may even want to try it out and jot down the results in your journal. It really brought things into perspective for me.

The Rubber Band Test

Pick up a good, strong rubber band. Hold it firmly at both ends with two hands. Now consider your own list expectations for your child. For everything that doesn't appear to be a good fit (such as your expecting him to be a great defensive cornerback, and he's more into playing chess), pull the band more tightly. For everything that seems more natural (for example, your daughter loves to sing, so you bought her a guitar), let the band relax a little. Think of every expectation you're placing on your child. If the bands gets so taut that it's in danger of snapping, you and your kid are in trouble. Your goal is to be sensitive to ensuring the necessary match of who your kid really is to what you want him to be. A good measure of your sensitivity as a mother is for you to be able to set expectations that gently stretch your children to become their best without snapping their spirit. (p. 71)

The rubber band test made things very clear to me as to how a child can seem to have it all, be completely loved by his parents, but be smothering on the inside. Do you now see how this yearning can be missed by parents, and is being missed by parents all over our country and the world, for that matter? It really brings our story that we read yesterday into perspective doesn't it? Let's make sure that we don't end up like the mother in our story and let the unconditional love that we have for our kids go unnoticed.

Tomorrow we will look at simple and natural ways to boost your sensitivity toward your children to help get us back on track in case this secret seems to be one in which we find that we may need a little help. Don't forget that Friday is "Show and Tell" day and our very first giveaway will kick off. And as always, if you know someone who would benefit, send her our way!

See you tomorrow!!

Simple Secret #1 - A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth

I'm so excited to begin our study with you this morning! This book has totally set me free and I just know it will do the same for you. Just to give you a quick run down on how each secret will go, I will introduce each new secret to you on Monday mornings. We will reflect on that secret throughout the week and will learn how to boost that particular part of our mothering plan through individual soul searching tough questions. On Fridays we will work on our Mother's Promise for each secret and work to create that "lesson plan" for parenting that we will hopefully use with our children for the rest of our lives. Fridays will also be "Show and Tell" day! We will share with each other our struggles, weaknesses, strengths, triumphs, and experiences pertaining to each secret to encourage each other and hold each other accountable on this journey...remember Dr. Borba says that we need a buddy!! Hopefully through this experience, we will have quite a few!! I also have a few surprises for you along the way, including a giveaway that you can begin registering for on Friday!! This should be lots of fun and a great learning experience for all of us and I could not be happier to walk this path with all of you. So grab your journals, and let's get out of the fast lane girls...slow this train down and LET'S GET REAL!!!

Real Mom Secret 1

A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth

What Real Mothers Know: If Your Children Have Unconditional Love, They'll Be More Likely To Thrive

What Really Matters Most for Mothering: Be Loving with No Strings Attached

The Real Benefit for Kids: Authentic Self-Esteem

The Lesson a Real Mom Teaches: Of course mothers love their children, but unconditional love goes deeper and is far more complicated. This is about our complete, unequivocal acceptance of our children's true selves - including all their little quirks, bad decisions, tantrums, weaknesses, and flaws. The lesson love teaches is profound: "You are a person of worth." "I believe in you, so you should believe in yourself." We convey our feelings through our everyday words and gestures: our excited voice, wide-open arms, eyes lit up just because our child is in our presence. This doesn't mean doing more, trying harder, being self-conscious. No, it just means staying in touch with our deepest instinctive feelings for our own flesh and blood. You don't plan these reactions: they just bubble over spontaneously in the natural ways we respond to our kids in the moment. Make no mistake - we do influence our children's opinions of themselves. The lesson our children learn from how they are loved by us will last long after we're gone. (p.61-62)

Welcome Mom Secret #1. I'm sure you have many, many thoughts on this introduction, as I do. What really struck me about this first secret is the words I have in bold above. Y'all, it hit me like a truck going 100 miles per hour. What we do on a daily basis with our kids, our body language, the looks on our faces all tell our children how we feel about them. YOU DON'T PLAN THESE REACTIONS: THEY JUST BUBBLE OVER SPONTANEOUSLY IN THE NATURAL WAYS WE RESPOND TO OUR KIDS IN THE MOMENT. No parenting book will teach you how to show your kids you love them and it be REAL!! It has to come from you, naturally. So, basically, we can say "I love you" a gazillion times a day, but unless we are GENUINE and SHOW it to our kids, they don't believe us.

Take a few minutes to jot down this secret and your thoughts about it in your own personal life and then we will take a look an actual situation to help put this in perspective.

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I do not love him because he is good. I love him because he is my child.

"She Learned to Show Her Unconditional Love"

Everyone loved this boy. You just knew he had a great family life and his parents were so proud of him. He as popular 9th grader in Northern California. Very smart, well mannered, top of his class, best soccer player on the team, destined for a music scholarship, and most of all just wanted to make his mom happy. He had it all!!

His parents were well known in the community. His mother a pediatric surgeon, and his dad a businessman who traveled alot. His mom was very humble but everyone knew she was a Rhodes Scholar and in the top of her Harvard class. She did everything she could to make sure her son could become a successful doctor too. Everyone in town admired this family.

Wow, to have a mom like that, she loves him so much. All that would soon change though, and not for the better. One spring afternoon, the 911 call came in from a jogger who had seen a boy sitting in a creek with a rifle pointed to his head. Immediately 2 officers and a K-9 who were training nearby jumped in their patrol car and headed for the scene. Once they arrived they stopped dead in their tracks. Sitting down below in the creek was a young boy with a rifle clutched between his feet and dug into his chest. And the worst part...THEY KNEW THIS BOY!! Not wanting to startle him and cause an accident, they contemplated what to do. One of the officers knew that his dad was out of town and so they needed to dispatch his mom at the hospital. As the boy looked up and warned them to stay away, one of the officers let him know that they were calling his mom. He didn't seem affected at all by that and simply said not to bother that she would be too busy. And he was right. The hospital said that she was in surgery and could not be interrupted. As the boy began to look agitated the officers knew they needed to make a move, but didn't know what that move should be. Finally the officers decided that maybe sending the big German Shepherd K-9 dog down might be safer and could distract the boy and calm him down. With an uneasy feeling of waiting any longer they released the dog. The dog started down very cautiously towards the boy. As the boy looked up at the dog, the next few seconds seemed like an eternity as they didn't know what this boy's reaction would be to the dog. The next few minutes would remain a vivid memory in the officers' minds forever. The dog knew exactly what to do. He jump into the boy's lap and began licking him. Within minutes the boy returned the affection and totally surrendered to the dog's affection. As tears streamed down the boys cheeks, he held onto the dogs thick coat for dear life and hugged him close, stroking his fur over and over. The officers went down to the boy and the dog, who was very tuned into to the boy and wasn't moving an inch. As the officers stood silently, they just couldn't figure out how this could happen to this boy of all kids?? When the officers asked the boy what had happened, he replied that he was a loser and began to gradually tell his sad story. He studied and studied for his PSAT's that he was taking 2 years early to give him an edge when entering college, but he had only placed in the 98th percentile. This was not acceptable for his mom, who told him that he had to do better, but he said that he had done his very best and that there was no way he could have done any better. He went on to explain that she didn't love him they way he was and that he felt he would never be good enough for his mom, so what was the point of trying anymore. He was doing his mom "a favor." He then explained that the dog changed his mind. He said, "Don't you know that as soon as he saw me, he jumped in my lap and started to lick me. I didn't have to do a thing. He was happy just to be with me."

How could such a wonderful kid feel so worthless and unloved? And how could a dog figure out what he desperately needed when everyone else-especially his own mother-had missed it?

The next day when the officers sat down with the family, his mother had no idea her son felt this way. She was so upset that she had missed this. She just wanted him to have everything he could ever want. (paraphrased, p. 62-68)

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What Can Real Moms Learn From This Story?

WOW!! Can you imagine if you were to ever be faced with this situation? I hope and pray that I am never faced with this kind of situation with either of my girls, but the statistics show that this is far more common that most parents know. The suicide rate in teens has increased 30% since 1970 and has tripled from 1962 to 1995. That is a very scary statistic. We have to find out if our kids know how much we love them. And, we have to show them unconditional love and teach them worth. It is not a maybe. It is a must!!

Dr. Borba says that the mother we just read about's love was never in doubt. The problem was that her son didn't know she loved him because she was so insensitive to his present day-to-day struggles and only focusing on his future. He was trying to earn his mother's love!! And what she missed was his need for her unqualified affection and approval, regardless of how he was performing.

The essential secret for real mothering here is that unconditional love doesn't have to depend on performance (or anything else for that matter). Unconditional love is your total, absolute commitment, devotion, and tender affection for your children exactly as they arrived to you and have developed so beautifully over the years. The basic foundation for all good parenting is the ability to convey this unconditional love and sensitivity to your child's needs. (p. 68)

So, how are you doing in your home at showing unconditional love? Do your children know that you love them, not because they are good, but because they are your children?? How would they respond to this same question?? Hmmm...that is the question, isn't it? Is a tune up in place or do you think you need to commit to a change in you with this particular part of your parenting plan?? Start today. Don't let another day get away from you and away from your child. Let's reflect on this story and this mom secret today and journal our thoughts about it. Tomorrow we will look at some questions to ask ourselves to see how we are doing at showing unconditional love in our own parenting.

As always, remember if you know of someone who may benefit from our study or if you know of a mom, who like the rest of us, is desperate to get out of the fast lane and back to the basics with our kids, please encourage them to join us on our journey!

See you tomorrow!! Have a great day!

12 Simple Secrets Every Real Mom Knows

FINALLY...here is the list of our 12 simple secrets!! Im so excited to get started!

12 Simple Secrets Every Real Mom Knows

Real Mom Secret #1

A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth

Real Mom Secret #2

A Mother Who is Firm and Fair Gives Her Children a Moral Code to Live By

Real Mom Secret #3

A Mother Who Listens Shows Her Children They Matter

Real Mom Secret #4

A Mother Who is A Good Role Model Gives Her Children an Example Worth Copying

Real Mom Secret #5

A Mother Who Teaches Values Inspires Character

Real Mom Secret #6

A Mother Who Supports Her Children's Strengths Builds Their Confidence

Real Mom Secret #7 A Mother Who Encourages Independence Cultivates Self-Reliance

Real Mom Secret #8 A Mother Who Applaudes Effort Nurtures Perseverance

Real Mom Secret #9 A Mother Who Accepts Her Children's Shortcomings Nurtures Resilience

Real Mom Secret #10 A Mother Who Takes Time for Her Children Helps Them Build Strong Relationships

Real Mom Secret #11 A Mother Who Laughs Teaches Joy

Real Mom Secret #12 A Mother Who Takes Care of Herself Holds Together Her Happy Family

So...How do you feel about those simple secrets?? If you are anything like me the first time I heard them, I thought I was doing pretty darn good. I even felt like I had most down pat. Thankfully for us Dr. Borba uses actual stories from REAL live, actual moms who have alot to teach us, even those of us who may not be off the deep end psycho crazed and frenzied Motherhood Maniacs!

Ladies, face the facts...we have alot to learn to be where we want to be as mothers and Dr. Borba is here to help. In each chapter of Part Two, we will learn a secret and hear a story of an actual mom with an aside from Dr. Borba of what we can learn from each story. Then, ***and this is the best part*** Dr. Borba asks if this is a secret that is part of our parenting. She then offers some questions for us to ask ourselves to help us see, individually, how we can do better or to show us that we are already doing well with this particular secret! And if that is not enough yall, she then gives steps to getting us to mastery level of REAL MOM-NESS for each secret!!! Its AN AMAZING SOUL CLEANSING...to say the least!! And if that is not enough, she brings in her Custom Mothering Plan that she calls A Mother's Promise. We will work in it each week making promises to ourselves and to our families. WOW!!! And if that is not enough, she offers A Real Mom's Resources in each chapter which is a list of books upon books on each particular subject that you can read if you feel this is a significant weakpoint in your relationship with your child. She doesn't encourage a "how to" parenting style, but if you need more help, she can certainly point you in the right direction!

Are you interested in that custom mothering plan that Dr. Borba calls A Mother's Promise?? Here is how it works.

Read each story and then take a few minutes to reflect on whatever the secret is one you would like to you with your children. If so, continue reading the tips, strategies, and advice other moms give as to how they've incorporated the secret into their lives. Then ask yourself the most important question: How would I use the secret in my own parenting? But don't just think about it - if you really want to use the habit, then plan exactly how you will use it with your children. After all, the more you think through what you want to do, the greater the chances you will succeed. Finally, I urge you to write your plan and title it A Mother's Promise. If you take just a few minutes to jot down your promise at the end of each chapter, you will have created your own unique mothering plan for your family. (p.53)

Each week we will look at each secret on Monday, elaborate on it throughout the week and finish with our Mother's Promise on Friday.

This is such a starting point for all of us to see how we stand with our kids and on our same track, where we will be when they all grow up and move away. Don't you want that lasting connection and that love that "lasts for always"??? I truly think that this book will show us how to get there.

I look forward to starting Monday morning, and remember if you know anyone who could benefit from our study, please send her our way!! LETS GET REAL!!