Friday, April 17, 2009

Show and Tell Friday

Its "Show and Tell Friday". I want to know how you are doing with our secrets. Each Friday, we will reflect on how each new secret fits into our lives and what we have learned about our parenting through the week's study. It is a time of reflection, but also a time for encouragement, strengthening, and holding each other accountable. If a REAL relationship with your children is something that you desire, please consider joining us on Fridays to tell how you are doing on your journey.

So here are some questions that Dr. Borba asks for this week:

  1. Did you identify with our story of the young boy who felt unloved and misunderstood that we read about on Monday?
  2. If so what are your plans to change that part of your parenting and how do you plan to strengthen the communication with your children?
  3. What will you be doing this coming week and the rest of your life to show your children that you love them with no strings attached?? Remember those 5 steps to boosting sensitivity? Which ones fit into your lifestyle?

Here is what struck me and really hit home with me from this chapter...

As I read that story of the boy who felt completely unloved by his mother, I absolutely felt as though I could not relate. I mean, we have dinner together every night, we talk about our day with our kids, we tell each other "I Love You" a gazillion times a day. Surely, my kids know I love them. Boy what was that mom in that story doing something really wrong!!

Then I got to the self-check part and that is when it all came crumbling down. Ya know, I think this is a prime example of how things go so bad for moms. We don't realize anything is wrong. Once I began to read through and ask myself those questions I began to realize that I am stressing my 8 year old out. And there is a good chance that she may not realize how much I love her, but just doesn't know how to tell me. Well, except for this one little problem...she does tell me and I don't hear her!! She asked me a few weeks ago if I loved my 6 year old more than her. I was shocked. I told her absolutely not and then she went into hysteria, rattling off her little list of everything Ive ever done to prove otherwise. "Well, when she gets hurt you do this, when I get hurt you do that. You always hold her and just ask me to go get things for you. I want to be held too. Just because I'm not little anymore doesn't mean I don't want you to hold me." WOW, what a reality check. Then to go through these questions and see that maybe I'm not doing all that I can gave me the reality that she could very well be crying out and I don't hear her.

One question though, really hit home to me. Dr. Borba asked, "Has your kid or anyone else ever wondered out loud if you're being sensitive to who your kid really is?" I immediately wrote down that nobody has ever questioned my sensitivity, but then as I sat there realized that yes they have. No, nobody has ever asked me if I love my kids, but I have been questioned by my mom, my husband, and even my kids. Plenty of times, my mom has told me I'm too busy or that I wait until the last minute to do things and that is not how a mother behaves (my mom's words not mine). Waiting until the last minute makes my 8 year old a nervous wreck and I have been completely in-sensitive to that need of hers. To elaborate for you a little bit... My 8 year old has trouble making decisions. She has a book report due in 3 weeks and had to have her book chosen by today. All week, she has been saying that she needed to pick a book. Well, I wanted her to choose "Little House on the Prairie" because she just finished reading it and I just envisioned her in her little Laura Ingalls outfit. She was emberassed though to dress that way, and instead of understanding her concern I just didnt bring it back up. Well, last night she broke down because she was the only kid in her class to have not chosen her book. She was devastated and cried and cried. I couldn't believe it because all along I just thought she was okay with Little House on the Prairie. Why I thought that I don't know. But since reading this chapter of the book, I immediately picked up on the fact that she thought I wasn't hearing her or BEING SENSITIVE to her needs. And the fact that it was 7:30 the night before the final day had her in a complete frenzy. That is not fair to her and the fact that as much as I love her I couldn't see that, really scares me!!

Completely out of character for me, I told her to put her shoes on (with her pajamas) and just the two of us were going to the library to pick her a book. Yall, you cannot put a price on the look on that beautiful little girl's face. She said, "Just us, momma? What about sissy? What is she going to do?" When I told her she was staying behind, I thought my 8 year old was going to do a dance right there in the living room. Her and I, just stopped what we were doing, forgot about bedtime, got in the car in our pajamas and went to the library. And we had the best time. We bonded more in that 30 minutes in the library than we have all year. It was wonderful. She chose her book and she could not be happier. She will be reporting on Samantha the American Girl and she looks just like her so she is very excited about dressing up. She will also bring her Samantha doll as a visual and is on cloud nine about that.

The point of my story is that the usual Kellye, would've just told her that it was too late and she just needed to do Little House on the Prairie. That would've left her feeling defeated and with a huge lack of confidence, but she would have just said 'yes maam' and never brought it up again. It felt so good to guide her and let her make the right choice for her and be sensitive to her needs.

I commit to the next 30 days to do something with just her, every day...even if its walk to the mailbox, because she needs that right now from me. We will talk for at least 5 minutes, just her and I, and I will hold her as many times a day as she wants to be held. This chapter really opened my eyes and set me free all at the same time!

So my question for you is, "What really struck you in this chapter?"

Post your comments and tell us all how you have done this week, the good the bad and the ugly!

1 comment:

  1. The thing that stuck out most to me was realizing that unconditional love doesn't depend on performance. Unconditionl love is my total, absolute commitment, devotion, and tender affection for my children exactly as they have arrived to me. That hit home to me because my son arrived to me autistic, and at the age of 3, my daughter "arrived" - was diagnosed-with ADHD. Because of this I felt I had a good grip on unconditional love. The problem I had to address was to realize that my attitude toward my kids might be somewhat performance based - even though I didn't reaize it. My expectations for them changed from the ideals I had before they were born. I have come to the realization that I MUST be more sensitive to who they are. I need to learn to accept them for who they are and enjoy them more. I need to spend time every day making sure they know I love them - especially my daughter!!! My mother's promise for secret one was to be more accepting of where they are right now; to not be so critical (esp. of Bailey); and to spend time looking and listening to them every day to see where they are and what their needs are.

    Thank you so much for this study. What an eye opener!!!!


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