12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know - Chapter 4

Can Our Kids Make It On Their Own? That is the title of Chapter 4 and what we all really want to know right? Dr. Borba quotes Mel Levine, author of Ready or Not, Here Life Comes. He says, "These parents are trying to create a really terrific statue of a child rather than a child." And he is right! Once we do all that we are going to do for our kids, and they are ready to meet the world...what happens?? What happens to these little statues that we have molded into exactly what WE think they should be?? Well, it certainly doesn't seem good. Right now there are studies being conducted on college grads to see how well they are doing now that they are out of the nest, and it seems that they are having lots of trouble. As loved and pampered and well educated as they are, they seem to be living in Peter Pan Land. You know where you never have to grow up? And we all know those folks don't we? They 35 year old that still goes to the bars with commitment phobia like you have never seen. The 28 year old that still lives at home. The 23 year old that won't go to college, won't get a job, and is bleeding her parents dry all while dragging them into the nut house. So, Dr. Borba asks, What went wrong? Could all that immediate gratification have backfired? Too many unearned trophies? Too many carpools? Did we raise our kids with such high expectations that now it's hard for them to get things just right? Did we micromanage their lives so well that now they can't live on their own? We can hypothesize and theorize ourselves to death, but the fact remains that a whopping 36% of today's college graduates readily admit they're not ready for careers. (p. 46) So Do Our Kids Live Happily Ever After, or What? That's what we all want to know isn't it? And I am just going to quote the book on this because it really explains it so well. Here is what Dr. Borba says, So the hurried children grew up. Many appear to have immature coping skills, they're often stressed, anxious, or depressed, and may even lack a spirit or tough inner moral core. Researchers point out that the critical piece called character - integrity and ethics - seems also to be somehow amiss in this breed. And self-reliance - a quiet, inner confidence, the skills to bounce back and or make tough decisions alone - appears weak as well. The reality is that too many of these hurried kids are struggling as adults. They're smart, but they are also sad, anxious, and unfulfilled. But it doesn't have to be like this. In fact, our kids will be the first to tell us that our current frenzied and competitive mode of compulsive parenting is not working and that something has to change. Obviously we need to get rid of this Motherhood Mania and zero in on what really matters for our kids. That's where I can help you, Dr. Borba adds. And why me? Who am I? I'm a mom with three kids, one of those parenting experts who's written twenty books you've never read. But also over the past two decades I've done hundreds of workshops in front of over a million parents, teachers, and counselors. After seeing all the stress and guilt brought on by the need to be this Sacrificial Mom over the years, I began to ask each group systematically the following question: "If you could give one piece of parenting advice that would help moms raise happy, confident, self-reliant kids, what would it be?" I collected over five thousand answers and discovered that many of them kept repeating themselves. The fascinating thing was that these parents' responses were almost identical to what child development researchers and clinicians have been telling us for years. These answers were a wonderful gift: the collective wisdom of hundreds of real moms about what matters most when it comes to raising good kids. Their answers have provided us all with twelve simple secrets that produce kids of solid character, caring hearts, and the strength to make it in our tough world today. The good news is that we can use these secrets to make our lives much simpler, easier, and more fun. The best news is that once we start using these simple secrets of real mothering, our children and our families are going to enjoy terrific benefits. (p. 48) I know you, just like me are ready to begin this journey. By now we all know that it is necessary, we are all ready for a change and we want out of this fast lane. All of our groundwork is done and tomorrow morning, we will finally see the 12 Simple Secrets Every Real Mom Knows. We will begin our study on the first secret Monday morning and will take one secret at a time, most likely one per week. I look forward to sharing these secrets with you, and I really feel that you will see that they have such depth to them, and have so many application tools to help us along the way. I just can't wait to begin. I would also ask you, if I may, to please be in prayer for my family. We were hit with some devastating news regarding our children's school which is also the same school that I went to and graduated from. This is a school like no other and is so much more than just a classroom and a gym and a football field to so many families. We have been competing with an improving public school system in our community and are losing more and more students to the free education down the road. It is obvious that in this economy we will struggle, but the board of directors is having to make some very tough choices regarding the school's future. Please keep us and our school in your prayers as we try to sort this out and seek the Lord's will for our kids' education. Thank you!! See you Friday morning!!

12 Simple Secrets Every Real Mom Knows - Chapter 3

Hey Ladies! I think by now we have all figured out that we want a change right? Even if we aren't the completely out of control extreme women caught up in Motherhood Mania, I think that it is safe to say that we probably aren't exactly where we would like to be either, right? I hope that through what we have learned so far, we have all seen that there is a great calling in this country to just STOP!! I just want to slow down, get out of the fast lane, and really begin to enjoy my family and nourish them the way that I know I am called to and deep down want to. Today we will look at more startling statistics and see just how our kids are feeling, how this "hyperparenting" has such an impact on our lives by increasing our stress levels, as well as see how this is taking the place of teaching responsibility and character. And finally, we will see what happens to the products of hyperparenting when they go off to college. Dr. Borba is no spring chicken and as you will see, she knows her stuff when it comes to being a Real Mom!! Lets get started by seeing some numbers that will just shock you:

• 13% of kids between 9 and 17 experience anxiety disorders.
• In one survey, 43% of 13-14 year olds say they feel stressed every day, by 15 it jumps to 59%.
• Of the parents responding in one survey, 46% said that their children's' biggest emotional issues were coping with stress and dealing with depression.
• One third of adolescents say they "worry a lot"...and nearly half say that they have trouble sleeping due to stress.
• In the same poll, 83% of kids say they are stressed about homework and pressure to excel; of those kids, 57% say their relationships with their parents is what's causing them stress.
• The suicide rate among American teens ages 15 to 19 has increased by 30% since 1970. In fact, suicide rates for children and teens tripled from 1962 to 1995.
• In a recent national survey, college students reported feeling so depressed that it was difficult for them to function over the past academic year. College counselors tell us that there are more students than ever before on their campuses who are suffering from not only depression but sleep disorders, substance abuse, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, impulsive behaviors, and suicidal thoughts. (p. 34)

What do the Kids Say?

If that wasn't good enough for you, let's look at what our kids saying. Is everything that we are doing for them paying off? Are we going to see the fruits of our tireless labor trying to make sure they have all they need to be happy, and confident? I don't think so.

• 60% of kids ages 12-14 want to spend more time with their parents.
• Kids do want time with us, more time, but they are picky about the kind of time - not just this "quality time" stuff. You get a higher grade from them in your mothering if the time you spend together is not "rushed, but focused and rich in shared activities."
• More than 2 in 5 kids feel like their time with us is rushed.
• A survey of 84,000 kids in grades 6-12 told researchers they do appreciate all that we do. They do enjoy spending time with us. But what they really would like is for the time that they spend to be more relaxed time. (p. 35-36)

So now we are faced with the tough question. Is what we are doing in our house working? The research says that kids just want to spend time with their parents, REAL time, not rushed, not fake time, REAL time with their families. And according to Dr. Borba, this research is nothing new. She says that the evidence has continued to warn parents over the last decade that we must slow down, but instead parents have just picked up the pace even more. She says the only thing parents have cut out of their kids busy schedules is any unstructured time that they may have once had. She also shows us how things have gotten worse and more busy over the past 2 decades:

• Home increased almost 50 percent.
• Unstructured activities declined by 50%.
• Family dinners decreased by 33%.
• Family vacations decreased by 28%.
• Children's free time decreased by 12 hours per week.
• Playtime decreased by three hours per week.
• Many school systems have abolished recess. (p. 37)

The Impact of Stress

All of these statistics are just shocking to me, as I am sure they are to you too. And what affect is this having on the kids is what I want to know! Well, for starters, Dr. Borba tells us 1 in 3 American children currently suffers from stress-related symptoms, such as headaches, stomaches, and between 8 and 10 percent of American children are seriously troubled by anxiety. Pediatricians tell us that stress symptoms are now showing up in kids as young as 3 years of age. Childhood depression and suicide rates continue to escalate: more teenagers and young adults now die from suicide than from all medical illnesses combined. (p.36)

WOW!!! That is startling numbers. Absolutely STARTLING!!! Did you ever think that the day would come when more teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from all medical illnesses combined??? UNBELIEVABLE!!

The Birth of Hyperparenting

And so, the new modern day momma has emerged...Welcome Hyperparents!! Teachers know them, sports coaches know them, dance teachers know them, and certainly the t-ball umpires know them. To teachers, they are the parents who are always available. Having been given the name "helicopter parents" these would be those moms who NEVER GO AWAY! They always seem to just be hovering around. Teachers will readily admit that they love their students but the parents drive them nuts!! Who are these moms, well I will tell you. Please take no offense but it is those of us who push too hard, defend the bully, pay the fine for the missing library book, and bring the forgotten homework, just to name a few. Make no mistake, her child will be on the honor roll and will have perfect attendance, but everything else takes a back seat. And because of their absolute obsessiveness to have that perfect all around child, of course you will find these parents at the ball fields. "My child didn't get enough play time...That was an unfair call." Can't you just hear them. You know who they are, don't you?? Because of this crazed hyperparenting, Dr. Borba tells us, 163 cities have required parents to sign a pledge of proper conduct in order to be allowed to attend their kids' games. Some have asked parents to watch a 30 minute video on sportsmanship, and others have gone so far as to have a silence day, when any parent who even opens their mouth at the game is ejected. (p.39)

Do you know any of these parents?? There is always one in the class or on the ball field isn't there? And guess what? Much to the shock from all of their failed efforts, 70% of children who participate in sports drop out by age 13. Why?? Because "its just not fun."

What About Responsibility and Character

So where in all of this madness does responsibility and character fit in? How on earth do we find time to teach our kids to grow up to be productive citizens?? And what about a spiritual upbringing, one that shows our children that we love our Lord God and die to ourselves every day to follow Him? Well, its no surprise all of that gets thrown to the way side as more and more parents are doing more and more to lighten little Tommy's workload, because little Tommy deserves it you know. Doing science projects, finding those misplaced library books, typing the papers, and the list goes on and on. And don't worry, if by some chance its not good enough...CONFERENCE TIME!!

Everybody gets a trophy these days, everybody is a winner, everybody gets an award, everybody gets a plaque, and everybody gets a ribbon. What are we teaching our kids??? Cutting them a little slack, helping them carry that heavy load, building their self-esteem. Is that really what all of this is doing? I beg to argue that what it is doing is telling kids today that they are better than everyone else and to never let anyone tell them otherwise.

Dr. Borba says, After all, the Sacrificial Mom will do anything to make sure that the kids have whatever it takes to get ahead in life. Their lives revolve around these children, who are given everything they could possibly ever want or need. Harvard psychologist Dan Kindlon, who wrote both Raising Cain and Too Much of a Good Thing, contends that all this parental indulgence is actually smothering the development of our children's character and sense of responsibility.(p. 41)

The body, explains Kindlon, cannot learn to adapt to stress unless it experiences it. Indulged children are often less able to cope with stress because their parents have created an atmosphere where their whims are indulged, where they have always assumed...that they're entitled and that life should be a bed of roses. (p. 41)

SOMETHING IS WRONG, MOM!! SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG!!

What Happens When Our Kids Get to College?

Unfortunately, the helicopter doesn't land just because Johnny has gone off to college. No, far from it. The helicopter just hovers over the university now, making sure that everything is perfect there just as it has been in every other aspect of his life. From which school the grad chooses, to writing the admissions essay, to asking all of the questions at the interview, to filling out the forms, the parents are still hovering!!

Would you believe that Dr. Borba states that some universities are having to hire staff just to deal with the parents?? So what does this tell us?? To me it gives a terrible message to our 20 year old children. MOMMY DOESN'T THINK YOU CAN DO THIS ON YOUR OWN.

Dr. Borba agrees and adds, it may not be the message we want our kids to hear, but chances are it will be their interpretation. And its the same exact message we've been sending with all our overinvolved ways all along: "Your homework isn't quite right, let me help." "Your science project could use more data, I'll get it." "This letter won't make the admissions cut, I'll rewrite it." (p.43)

IF YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER IS IN COLLEGE, THE CHANCES ARE ALMOST ONE IN TWO THAT HE OR SHE WILL BECOME DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING UNABLE TO FUNCTION; ONE IN TWO THAT HE OR SHE WILL HAVE REGULAR EPISODES OF BINGE DRINKING; AND ONE IN TEN THAT HE OR SHE WILL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER SUICIDE!! (p. 44)

That is scary!! And what is worse is that the parents will be thinking, "What on earth do these kids have to be stressed out about...they've got it all!!"

Let's get REAL yall, while we still have time. This is more serious than we first thought. We must save our kids from this broken world and we are about to learn how. Chapter 4 tomorrow Can Our Kids Make It On Their Own, and then on Friday we will finally learn the 12 Simple Secrets and begin our change!

Im so excited that you are joining me on this very eye opening journey. I consider myself to be extremely sheltered, so most of these things are so foreign to me. But, I can see how the world is turning into utter chaos and at the center of it is a bunch of mommas crying for help!

Its time to get REAL!!

Please remember if you know someone who may benefit from this, send her our way!

12 Simple Secrets...Chapter 2

So what did you learn about yourself and your current parenting situation yesterday?

After looking over my journal and reading over and over that list to help us realize

it's time for a change, I learned that I am VERY critical of myself as a mother.

I am constantly comparing myself to other moms and set myself up for

failure every day of my life. What a huge realization!!

Today we will jump right into Chapter 2, and, for me, Chapter 2 was where I first really understood what Dr. Borba was trying to say. Up until this point we have learned

so much about her core philosophy but this is where it really hit home for me.

Get your journals ready and lets dig in!!

Chapter 2 - What IS a Real Mom These Days?? We talked briefly yesterday about motherhood changing so much...even from when we were kids. I gave the example last week of what my mom tells me when I come to her super frazzled, but just a little more of a background is that I can never ever remember our TV being on, except for 2 reasons. #1 it was dark outside and my dad was home from work or #2 we were "resting" in our rooms and my mom was watching her soap operas from 1:00-2:00 every day!! The rest of the time, the TV was off, the lights were off, the windows and curtains were open and all was well in our little 1200 sq.ft home that fit us just fine. My sister and I played by ourselves all day every day and life was GOOD!! So different from today, huh?? Dr. Borba has interviewed dozens of moms and researched hundreds and she is very confident, as I think we all are, that there has been a shift in parenting...and not for the better. And, I am just as guilty as the next mom. What Happened to Pat-A-Cake and Peek-A-Boo Dr. Borba tells a story of when she had her first "ah-ha" moment regarding this shift in mothering. She tells of a baby shower that she went to once for a friends daughter. Instead of burp cloths, bibs, and rattles, the registry and baby store was filled with brain development, brain stimulation, baby sign language (so you can communicate with your baby before he talks), and baby paraphernalia that sure gave her a difficult time choosing the perfect gift. She said, I even felt a tad guilty asking the salesclerk for something as old-fashioned as a copy of Goodnight Moon. (p. 25) She also said that it gave her the first sense of this overwhelming responsibility that moms today must feel about making the right choices for their children. When Did Mothering Become a Billion Dollar Profit Center? Dr. Borba also tells of a woman on a flight that she was on who found her seat with her little daughter and no sooner than the seat belt light had gone off mom had pulled out a bag packed to the brim with items: from flash cards to workbooks to beginning phonic books to markers and paper-she even had a DVD player with a National Geographic movie about zoo animals. Heaven forbid an unplanned spare moment for the child, but what about her mother? I was exhausted from just watching her try to make sure her child was never bored. Just when did mothering get so difficult, so draining? (p. 26) Mothering has become a billion dollar money maker and we are all filling the pockets of the people who are making us insanely crazing trying to keep up and do a good job as a mom. Building blocks, sand boxes, and imaginary forts have been replaced with electronic vocabulary builders, magnetic alphabet games for our little geniuses, and products guaranteed to give little Tommy that jump start to Harvard all before he can walk!! WHAT ARE WE DOING?? How Did We Get From June Cleaver to Motherhood Mania? Dr. Borba describes June Cleaver as always calm, neat as a pin, never without her pearls, smiling, loving, and always available. When Beaver came bouncing down the stairs for breakfast, Mrs. Cleaver was always in the kitchen in her spotless sparkling white apron, busily making bacon and eggs. And when Beaver came home from school, she was always at the door, still smiling with her pearl necklace on, greeting him with a freshly baked batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Okay its corny, but the thing about it that I'm remembering fondly is the feeling of warmth, of being always welcomed, and the strong connection between mother, her children, and their friends. (p. 27) Ok, now lets compare that with motherhood today, shall we? Dr. Borba does it for us and you can't help but laugh at her illustration but at the same time it makes you want to cry! See if you can relate to this modern day mom...

Calm? Neat as a pin? Smiling? Always available?

Homemade chocolate chip cookies? Get Real!!

A typical 24 hours in the life of a mother today includes an intense schedule

of constant activity, stress, and pressure. Feeding and dressing 2.3 kids.

Carpooling to school. Shuffling countless after-school activities -

skating, gymnastics music lessons, special academic coaching, soccer practice,

scouting, dance class, play rehearsals, Odyssey of the Mind playgroups.

Then there's helping with homework, science fair projects, PTA meetings,

school events, making and cleaning up from dinner, then dashing off to another crazy

activity, not to mention mending, cleaning, dusting, picking up after

everyone, vacuuming, scrubbing, mopping, and madly trying to find that

darn missing library book. If there's by any miracle 30 minutes of unscheduled

time at any point during the day, Mom is likely to hop on a home exercise

bicycle of dash of to a quick palates class. And that's just a weekday. If you think

Saturday or Sunday is going to be any different, forget it. With soccer games, dance

recitals, school debates, theatrical and musical performances, slumber and birthday parties,

and a host of other frenzied activities, it's a nonstop mad dash with never

a moment to spare. (p. 28)

She goes on and on even more than this talking about part time jobs, careers, relatives, appointments and a love life between you and your husband. Then she says, lets not forget that many moms are single, many have to work outside the home, ALL are exhausted!! And then there is the million ads and commercials about how we are supposed to eat, what we are supposed to do to look good, stay healthy, keep smiling and moisturize - because we're worth it! (p. 28)

Y'all it is truly insane!! And to hear it like this makes it sound even more insane, doesn't it? Do you relate to this modern momma? And if you aren't this extreme, I am sure you can relate to at least some of it. Our moms, and June Cleaver, never had these choices...there weren't even car seats for crying out loud!!! So do you get it that the WORLD is making a killing off of our love for our children and our desire to do the best we can for our kids?. They are filling their pockets on our anxiety to be the best mom ever and the steady feeling of not being good enough!! Do you see that most, if not all, of this nonsense is just a money maker that we are feeding by jumping on board with all that we've got!!

God tells us that we are fully equipped with everything we need to be a mother. How do I know? because He created us to be mothers and He doesn't command us to do anything that we cannot do. He has been in the business of creating mothers for thousands of years, all with only 24 hours in a day, most with a fraction of the modern day conveniences we have, and somehow those children turned out way better than kids today are!! How does that happen??

The Urge to be Supermom

The result of all of this STUFF that the WORLD is pumping into our heads is that we are suffering today in a full fledged frenzy - an abnormally high level of busyness, tension, stress, speediness, anxiety, heightened awareness, and even panic. Many moms can't get enough sleep, the can never keep up or do enough for their kids and they feel feel guilty or inadequate about it. They're overwhelmed trying to be Supermom, to fulfill the expectations placed on them. They are in a state of Motherhood Mania. Isn't that what a good mother does??

Don't believe it?? Here are some disturbing statistics for you:

• 70% of moms find motherhood stressful.
• Depression affects 30% of young mothers and children.
• 1/3 of parents in one survey said that if they were to do it all over again, they would not start a family.
• In that same survey 53% said they felt significant resentment in making sacrifices as a parent.
• Of the 1,306 moms in one survey, 95% said they experienced guilt and almost half said that the guilt got worse as the kids got older. (p. 29)

There are more, but for the sake of time, I just chose a few. Here are 11 issues that Dr. Borba says should be considered as to why we have morphed from apple pie to full fledged motherhood mania:

1. New knowledge about child development.
2. Competition.
3. More options. Entrepreneurs are very smart and have made endless amounts of choices for parents today.
4. More media. Over 800 books on the concept of motherhood were published between 1970 and 2000, of those, only 27 between 1970 and 1980.
5. Financial pressures.
6. Guilt.
7. Wanting to be liked. Many moms want to be their child's best friend. Does "you're mean mom strike a chord with you?
8. Outdoing their own moms.
9. Lack of confidence. They lack confidence in their judgment are constantly second guessing themselves.
10. Wanting a trophy child.
11. The test craze. With all the tests today, they're making us crazy worrying that our kids will not be good enough. (p. 31-32)

Do you think that any of the above reasons contribute to why we all feel so exhausted in our parenting efforts and NOTHING IS WORKING?? Dr. Borba ends this chapter by saying,

And is Motherhood Mania worth it? Is it worth all the time and energy and

money we're spending? Do our kids really benefit from all these

splendid extracurricular activities and stimulating experiences? (p. 32)

I wonder if all these things will be what our kids will remember about us? Will they describe us as the best mom ever who drove them around to each practice and rehearsal and who bought them everything under the sun? Or will they say that we were always busy, wishing they could've spent more time with us, wanting a "love that lasts for always"?

We will see what the kids are saying in the next chapter...STAY TUNED!!

For today, look over Dr. Borba's description of today's crazed mom and really think hard to see if that fits where you are right now? Then look over those reasons that Dr. Borba gives as things that could be causing this craziness and see if any apply to your life. We will meet right back here tomorrow for Chapter 3 - Why Being a Sacrificial Mom is Bad for Your Kids.

12 Simple Secrets Every Real Mom Knows - Chapter 1

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Did you do some digging in your heart about how you want your kids to describe you? I know I definitely did, but wasn't that such a tough question? For me, as I told you last week, I was visualizing certain moms that I admire or that have made a difference in my life. But the hardest part, I think, is realizing that I could potentially NOT be remembered the way I want to be. I mean really, we only get one shot at this and then they are grown and we shall reap what we have sown. Good or bad. Then when you think that God has given these children to us and that it is our responsibility to "train a child in the way he should go" I really feel like I have so much to learn. I don't know about you, but I have been only seeing the "long term dividend" or the way that I thought it would all end up when my kids were grown, but the amount I am putting in and the consistency of my deposits just isn't going to get me what I so desperately want.

SOMETHING HAS GO TO GIVE!!

If you feel the same way, we have lots more to cover today that will help you. Hope you are ready for some more soul searching!! This week we will begin on Part One of the book, which is composed of 4 chapters and is entitled How Can a Real Mom Give Her Children Love that Lasts for Always...remember the Velveteen Rabbit?? We will work on a chapter each day and then on Friday we will learn the 12 Simple secrets and also create our Mother's Promise which we will work on over the course of the next few weeks as we learn how to implement these secrets in our lives...one simple secret at a time!! So let's get started!!

Chapter 1 is entitled From the Sacrificial Mom to the Child Who Can Thrive Without You and it begins with that oh, so difficult question..."Just how satisfied are you right now with your own parenting? Seriously."(p.20) YIKES!! So are you satisfied?? To help us decide she also asks,

Have you ever said to yourself, "I wish I knew how to be a mom who raises kids who have what it takes to be happy and successful. I feel like I am always spinning my wheels and knocking myself out trying to do so much for my kids. What really matters when it comes to being a good mom? What do my kids really need from me, and can I really make a

difference in their lives?" (p. 20)

To answer that question Dr. Borba tells us, YES!! You can and do make a difference in your children's lives. Every one of us does. But the reality is, as she puts it,...mothers have gone way overboard. Many of us have reached the point where we're tired and anxious but still trying to do more and more for our kids.(p.20) All of this super sacrificing is completely unnecessary and is causing more harm than good. Don't you agree? We just keep on doing and doing and giving and giving and going and going and we are literally at our breaking point and we just keep on...but WE ARE GIVING THE WRONG THING!!! What our kids really want from us is a LOVE THAT LASTS FOR ALWAYS.

Are You Ready to Make a Change

Dr. Borba explains that REAL mothering doesn't have to be as hard as the 2009 mom is making it, but we have to be willing to CHANGE! Then she gives these questions to help us realize that it's time to get out of the fast lane. How do these settle with you (you got that journal???)?

• Do you feel guilt about not living up to your own image of the perfect mom? Do you second guess your mothering or think you're not doing a good enough job?
• Do you worry about your child - about whether his workload/schedule is just too much?
• At your parent-teacher conference, do you find yourself asking more about your kids' grades...than how he gets along?
• Are you frequently stressed or exhausted or impatient with your family? Does the littlest, tiniest thing get under your skin? Are you quick to anger? Are you yelling more?
• Are you on the coach's case complaining that your child isn't getting enough game time?
• Has success become such a huge commodity in your family that your kids are afraid to let you down or disappoint you with a poor grade?
• Do you worry that you kids seems really anxious or depressed?
• Do you worry when your kids seems to have nothing to do, and feel as though you have to educate or entertain him every second of the day?
• Do you always compare yourself frequently to other moms and worry that they're doing a better job than you are? (p. 21)

Okay, if you answered yes to ANY of the questions, it's time to make some changes!! YES TO ANY OF THEM I SAID...that was not a typo!! WHOA!! Which ones do you relate to?? Are you ready to change?? This book will help you. This was a hard test for me because it really showed me that I have gone overboard into Motherhood Mania land which is light years from where I want to be in June Cleaver land!!! I have all of my "yeses" in purple so that you can see where I struggle.

Back it up just a minute though, I mean really whatever happened to June? I could have so been June's next door neighbor. Me with my little white apron and my big blue Cadillac. SO ME!! You know that perfect kitchen with the warm cookies and a mail man that knows you! I could so be there. So what happened to that MOTHER?? Its what we all want isn't it?? Look how much mothering has changed just since our moms were raising kids?? Light years, huh??

That is what we will talk about tomorrow as we begin Chapter 2. Here is a teaser...

What Happened To Pat-A-Cake and Peek-A-Boo?

When Did Mothering Become a Billion-Dollar Profit Center?

How did We Get From June Cleaver to Motherhood Mania?

The Urge to Be Supermom

All that is tomorrow, so please reflect on what you have written in your journals and have some quiet time looking at being ready to make some simple choices that will help us to give a love to our children that will...last for always.

See you right back here in the morning and remember if you have a friend that you think will benefit...send her on our way!!

12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know - Intro Part 2

I really hope you enjoyed our first reality checking, soul searching part of Dr. Michele Borba's book, 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. I truly hope that some of you have managed to get your hands on the book, if not that is okay. I have set up a category for it on the right and you can go to it any time you would like. This should also help if we are moving too fast for you, but we will talk about that a little bit later.

Today we are going to begin by going over what Dr. Borba says are the benefits of being a real mother. Then we will look at the 6 core principals of being a real mother and learn how to use this book to get the most out it. Wow, we have a lot of ground to cover, but remember this is your individual journey, so go at your own pace and make sure you are taking notes along the way in your journal. This will all make more sense later and you will want to reflect back on these foundations. Welcome back, lets get started right away!

The Benefits of Being a Real Mother

Sometimes I think we want immediate gratification and instant results, which is why I believe we are jumping on every new wagon that drives by. For us 2009 moms, its hard to see a week or 2 pass and no change in our kids. We think that what we are doing must not be working and off to the next thing we go. But, Dr. Borba, shows us 7 LONG TERM DIVIDENDS as she calls them to being a REAL mother. I love how she calls them "long term dividends" because isn't that exactly what parenting is? You don't put $100 in the stock market today and have a million tomorrow, right? But over time with consistency you will end up with lots of money, right? Parenting is the same way. We must look for the long term dividend and stop worrying about the short term outcomes that change with the wind! We don't look at our stock market account and check the balance every day thinking that what we see is the ending balance do we? What a great way to look at parenting!!!

Here are Dr. Borba's 7 Reasons She says that moms today need to get REAL:

1. Real moms can help their kids buck peer pressure because the certainty and firmness of their conviction strengthens their influence on their kids.
2. Real mom' children are more likely to adopt their mother's values because their mother hasn't watered down her beliefs with the latest trends or moral compromises.
3. Real moms are likely to be better models of patience and self control because they are being themselves and are at peace with who they are.
4. Real moms are happier and have more joy in their families because there is so much less pretense and putting on to keep up.
5. Real moms are less guilty and anxious because they are not trying to be perfect by other people's standards.
6. Real moms are more appreciated because their kids have had a chance to know their interests and passions.
7. Real mom have more energy for their families because they don't waste time doing things that don't match their priorities and beliefs. (p.8)

The result of all these wonderful benefits is that real moms enjoy a powerful connection with their children that "lasts for always." (p.8)

SIGN ME UP I SAY!!

Because isn't that what we want? Isn't that the legacy that we all want to leave? It definitely is for me. Those 7 reasons spoke so loudly to me that I wrote every single one of them down in my journal and I am sure that you are just a writing too. It is important to see these long term dividends and keep them fresh in our minds as we press along in our journey to getting back to the basics of mothering. I typed them up and printed them out and have them posted in my office. I see them every morning!! I want to see them all the time because I am tired of this fast paced world that expects us to behave in a certain way and conditions us to completely turn away from the God who created us in a quest to be recognized and built up by earthly standards that ultimately mean NOTHING!!

Dr. Borba refers to this way of "modern day parenting" as being "like a hamster wheel." How fitting huh? She says that moms today feel like they are running and running on one of those things and never get off. I'm sure at some point or another we have all felt like that. It's that continuing "busyness" or that feeling of "always doing" that Dr. Borba says is how moms today define themselves. Here is what she says,

"I've come to realize that real mothering, the stuff that makes up the true natural essence of being a mother, hasn't changed and never will. But the society we're living in here in the good old 21st century USA does have a new and different expectation of what it is to be a good, responsible, conscientious mother. These days the central expectation of a "good" mom is for her to be a "doer" (volunteer, tutor, coach, carpool driver, PTA enthusiast, social secretary, hostess with the mostess, and on and on - very complicated!!).

A decade ago, the main expectation was that she be a "nurturer"(supporter, listener, guider - simpler, and REAL). That little switch has had a dramatic impact on our lives as well as the lives of our children." (p. 10)

IT IS SO TRUE!! When I am feeling overwhelmed and inefficient and I go to my own mother (how about that...that would be benefit #2...guess my MOM was REAL), the first thing she always says to me is, "Baby, I just wasn't as busy as you are. We didn't go anywhere. We got up, had breakfast, got our work done, and the day was ours." I could really just cry right now thinking about it. THAT IS WHAT I WANT...I'm yelling!!! But just like Dr. Borba says, the more we try to simplify, the more complicated things become.

Why?? Why do things get complicated when we try to simplify?? Well, Dr. Borba has this to say,

"Ask a woman to describe a GOOD mother, and you will get a resume: "A room mother." "The play group coordinator," "The soccer coach." "A scout leader." "The PTA president" "A booster club officer." "A school volunteer." This list of roles goes on and on. Mothering is a to-do-list and we are exhausted just trying to keep up. The more mom does, the better her chance of making it into the "Mommy Hall of Fame" (at least in the eyes of other moms).

Interestingly enough, the kids describe their moms as "always involved," "busy," teens say that their moms "don't have a life." Those same kids say their moms are "usually tired," "impatient," and they "wish they could spend more time with them." But how could they, when their schedules are so filled? (p. 10)

The reason that things get so complicated when we try to simplify is that we haven't changed our standards. Our worth, whether we would like to admit it or not, has been measured by how other moms view us and how much "good" we are doing for our kids. We may not feel like this all of the time, but if we depend on the latest parenting technique or continue to strive for the "Mommy Hall of Fame," our standards are way off. Do you find yourself measuring other moms by what they do and how much they do? I think have all guilty been of that at some time or another. Every knows of the yearly fight for ROOM MOTHER status right? You know Open House night when all of the moms show the teacher how available they can be and how they would make the best Room Mother. That is an easy trap to fall into. That is desiring to be measured by someone else's (who has only met you maybe once) standards at its finest. I fell into that trap when my oldest was in Kindergarten. I wanted to be as involved as possible, so I volunteered for everything y'all...EVERYTHING. My husband said that I walked around school with a big sign that read, "Hi, I'm Kellye the door mat. If you need anything, anything at all, it doesn't matter what just ask me because I have NOTHING ELSE TO DO." Of course I had other things to do, but I fell into the trap of wanting to make the good mommy cut. It wore me slap out though, and I just couldn't do it anymore...So you know what I did instead??? I became the PTA President. Y'all really, I'm serious. I'm laughing at myself and I know that y'all are laughing WITH me, but seriously that is what I did!! How sad is that?? Does any of this relate to you? If it does jot it down in your journal.

We have seen how kids described their modern moms, now let's see as Dr. Borba gives us some kids who described their REAL mothers. Here is what they say,

"My mother was such a great listener." "She was always there." "My mom was so patient!" "All my friends used to tell me how nice my mother was." "Mom was so funny, we just laughed and laughed."(p. 10-11)

I realized during these interviews that what we all remembered was not what our moms DID, but who they WERE and how strong (or not) was the connection between mother and child. We remembered the woman herself, or simply "THE MOTHER." (p.11)

These women influenced us by being real: with their own lives, their personal example, and their genuine selves - not all the things they did for us. They knew instinctively how to connect with us and form a lasting attachment. These moms didn't rely on parenting gurus, use flash cards, learn the latest gimmicks, and read the child development charts. They used their natural-born instincts to mother their children, and because they did, their mothering was more authentic, far simpler, and more effective in influencing their kids' lives for the better, because they set their children a terrific example. THEY WERE REALLY REAL!" (p.11)

Six Core Principals of Real Mothering

So, here is what Dr. Borba says are the 6 core principals that Real mothers know. A responsible caring woman:

1. Loves her children deeply and is committed to raising them to the best of her ability
2. Knows the essential and proven parenting principals
3. Maintains a strong belief that no one understands or knows better what's best for her child than herself
4. Recognizes her child's and her own unique strengths and temperament, and customizes her parenting to fit it
5. Has the confidence to act on these beliefs
6. Knows, above all else, that it is the connection with the child that matters most (p. 11-12)

So now that we have taken in a whole bunch of information, lets take a little break and do some journaling. Review what we have written so far and what we have learned, think about it for a few minutes and lets all answer this very simple, yet very difficult question.

How do you want to be described or even remembered by your children?

Lets each write on this for a few minutes and then we will continue. While you are writing though, imagine that your children are all grown up. What do you want them to say about you??

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Okay, lets wipe the tears, gain our composure and see what Dr. Borba has to say about that very question of how we want our kids to describe and even to remember us. She says,

"I would be willing to bet it would be as the type of woman who influenced your life." (p. 13)

Okay is she reading my mind??? When I close my eyes and look at my kids all grown up and talking about me certain people stick out in my mind. So, I jotted the characteristics of that person that mean the most to me down. They are mostly good memories I have of that person. Things that just stick out to me, you know the person who teaches you that you are worth something, the one who teaches you the value of a dollar and shows you how to have a work ethic, and that person who believes in you and is there for you anytime. Sometimes even a saying or a quote that a certain person says often will ring in your mind and mean so much. I had a very dear neighbor about 5 years ago in a house that we rented while we were building. I often called her my "adoptive mom" because she really took me in and literally taught me the ropes of life that I never knew. So many things we talked about mean so much to me still to this day and the way she was with her grand kids has always been something I admire. I still call her for advice and still very much look up to her as a mother and grand mother. Even as I sit here and think of what kind of mom I want to be RIGHT NOW TODAY, not when my kids are grown but right now, certain moms stand out to me. WHY??? Dr. Borba says it is because those women are REAL mothers. WOW!!!

She continues by saying, "If that's the kind of mother you want to become for your children, read on. It will be the woman your children describe years from now if you follow the plan in this book....Your children really do grow up all too quickly, but your connection to them will last an eternity if you learn to use the twelve secrets in this book, follow your instincts, and keep true to yourself. Enjoy!" (p. 13) Okay so are you ready to embark on this journey together?? I feel like I have learned so much already and we really haven't even begun. Next week we will look at Part One of Dr. Borba's book 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know which will give us an understanding of why this is so important and how we can beat Motherhood Mania. Then we will get to Part Two which is the 12 secrets, 12 true stories of women each with a simple secret, each accompanied by ways to use these secrets in our own life.

She says about these 12 secrets, "Time and time again, I've seen the audience laugh and cry as I told them. They seem to strike a chord. Over the years I've realized that each of them depicts an essential secret of real mothering. And years later, people tell me how much these stories have influenced their lives." (p.14)

There are also guidelines and tips of how we can use each secret in our own life (BRUTAL...hope you got a big journal!!).

She says, "This is not a 1-2-3 method of parenting. This is about creating a life mission. This is about creating a Mother's Promise that you will use forever." (p. 14)

Dr. Borba takes this very seriously and does not want to be compared in any way to the latest parenting method or newest idea on the block. She even gives these rules to follow when reading the book:

• Create your own Mother's Promise. (More on this coming later, but we will do this)
• Form a book club. Read the book together and discuss a secret each week.
• Start a journal. The point of this is to express your thoughts about parenting and your concerns about your own kids and to keep track of specific ideas, strategies, and stories you want to remember.
• Find a buddy. Don't try to go this alone. Find other moms who you can share your joys and concerns and the progress of your efforts with.
• Go one secret at a time. Please don't overwhelm yourself by trying to take on too much. (p. 14-15)

I think we've got all of our bases covered and we are ready to go! Think over these things this weekend. Really spend some time wrapping your mind around this info if you get some quiet time. We will begin on Part One Monday. And to just give you a little teaser...the first sentence of Part One, Chapter One is this:

So let me ask you something: Just how satisfied are you right now with your own parenting? Seriously. (p. 20)

Wow! I cannot wait to get started. I hope to see all of you bright and early Monday morning!!

Get ready because ITS TIME TO GET REAL!!!